How To Change Your Mind

This is how to change your mind and what it did for me. I have been suffering Depression for a long time. Probably longer than I can point a date to. I have been suffering from PTSD since 2005 because that was my first panic attack that gave me anxiety which stayed for many years, even though I was always a shy and anxious guy growing up. Anxiety hit hard in 2005 and drove everything else, my PTSD and Depression.

I didn’t grow up with a good dad. My mom was always stressed out. My siblings were distant from each other and myself.

My dad was a monster to me. I only remember a few good times but those times were outweighed by the worst of times. I was physically abused a few times. Sexually abused a few times. However the mental abuse was the worst.

He wasn’t a happy person around the family. He wasn’t a drinker but alcohol did factor into the abuse I think. Not really sure why he hated me so much.

Mom was abused by my dad as well. I remember the physical abuse. She took the hits for me. She was always standing up for me. I loved my mom. She was always my hero.

My siblings consisted of three older sisters so I was always alone. I never played with them and I grew up in a rural area with no kids my age near me until I was six.

In 2005 I was no longer a child but an adult attending a police academy. It was a life long dream of mine ever since I was six year old because my next door neighbor was a police chief and I got to play with those cool toys. (My best friend and I would park his police cruiser by the road and run radar).

Midway through the academy in 2005, my dad and I got into a disagreement. It was over an electric heater which I was using to keep an area warm to cure paint because it was below 60 degrees. I had a Honda Prelude and my hobby at that time was working with fiberglass to make interesting parts and fixing my fiberglass ground effects. My dad believed that I was was the electricity but I only needed to run it for about an half hour. He wanted me to heat up the entire garage for just a thirty minute job.

Well that disagreement turned into his psychotic episode that he routinely had. My dad would throw temper tantrums. Tantrums like a little child. Sometimes violent. Thankfully I never got that was. Sure, I’ve had temper tantrums but nothing on his level. That day of the disagreement changed my life forever. In a way I never fully understood until recently in 2023 of august. My dad decided to whop my behind.except it wasn’t a dad disciplining a child, it was full on punching and attempting to take my life.

I am writing to you today, so rest assured, I am still alive. I will not go into details but I remember feeling the blows to my head, I restrained him and then I remember the tunnel vision because of the choking he started to do after I restrained him. To get free I had to kick his vehicle door in but that resulted in him shoving me backwards into a two by eight board that sticks out in his garage.

I was physically hurt bad but because during that time I was in the police academy, I took it like a man. I didn’t go to the hospital, even though looking back at today, I most definitely should have. I suppose I was too afraid more than anything. My dad went to jail for three nights because of the bruises on my back. I essentially had a bruise the size of the end of that two by eight board.

My mom and I were afraid of him coming back home so we sought out a hotel for a few nights. I was certain he was trying to murder me and that night was the beginning of my PTSD and anxiety. I remember it today but back during that time I hadn’t a clue what was going on in my mind. (PTSD sucks. I feel terrible for everyone going through it.)

When it came time for my mom and I to go back home I suffered a panic attack. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I just remember starting to get upset, crying and hyperventilating. Which lead to my muscles tightening up and almost passing out while driving. My mom called 911 because she never seen it before.

That point in time really hurts me to this day in more ways than one. I was in the police academy becoming a police officer, (trying), I filled out a thorough statement and my dad saw no prosecution by the county prosecutor. This prosecutor was supposed to be for police too but he completely failed me.
Coincidentally he is the same prosecutor who is prosecuting me today for my freedom of speech. Jack Mucculick. Why is he failing me twice?

I didn’t realize the connection to that physical encounter between dad and I and my injury I claimed at work about nine years later but I suffered a muscle injury in my back exactly the same area that two by eight went into my back. I claimed workmen’s compensation because I thought I hurt my back working. PTSD covered up that physical encounter. It also kept me from seeing a hospital in 2005. So I hadn’t a clue even though memory existed locked away. During that claim I got X-rays done, full MRI and some of the best doctors for sport injuries in the county. No one could see the underlying existing injury. Nobody at least brought it to my attention. So I settled that claim and spent the next eight years in pain.

Sever back pain. I suffered really bad. My doctors never could relieve the pain. They never gave me anything stronger than over the counter pain medication. So I sought out marijuana and that sticky dank stuff really helped but it wasn’t what cured my pain. Remember, PTSD was involved. Marijuana is like a bandage that can be wrapped too tightly and not be effective anymore.

I read a book in 2018 called ‘How to Change Your Mind’ by Michael Pollan. It is about psychedelics and its medical implications with pain, PTSD, Depression and other mental illnesses. However wasn’t until 2023 when I tried it. Except I didn’t know about my PTSD and anxiety until afterwards.

Without going too far, in January of 2023 I learned about my rare degenerative spine condition called Levoscoliosis of the Thoracic Spine. Currently at 8-10 degrees at the writing of this long journal. I got an x-ray done because I pinched a nerve on my spine and the doctor diagnosed it.

Going to doctors again I continued to get nothing done for me. Only over the counter pain medication and physical therapy. Surgery was too invasive for a delicate area like the spine and my age (40).

In July of 2023 I suffered another pinched nerve at work. This time it put me out of work. It caused my back muscles to tighten up in that same area I claimed workers compensation on. I didn’t have use of my left arm anymore. That is when I went for something stronger than marijuana because the weed wasn’t working for the pain any longer. I was beyond using marijuana and I needed a miracle because doctors still couldn’t do anything. Muscle relaxers did nothing.

Remembering the book ‘How to Change Your Mind’ by Michael Pollan. Plus doing my own research, I decided to try psychedelics. I settled on shrooms called Penis Envy. Some of the more stronger fungi than others.

It helped. Wow. Did it ever. Except it wasn’t a cure. Just another bandage. A good dose i found was about one and a half grams for the pain, mixed with a hit of marijuana and I was happy, pain free. It just didn’t allow me to go back to work because there is no way I can use while working. It takes about five hours for the effects of the shrooms to wear off and marijuana was about two.

I decided to do a heroic dose and this is where everything changed. My life, my mind, the way I thought. Before I went into a heroic dose I went into shrooms delicately. Tried One and then thought about it, studied the effects. I am scientifically weird like that. It helped me understand what was happening and built up my knowledge to do the heroic dose. I did six grams at once. (I will go into detail what happened during my trip in my ‘Man of Faith’ article.)

After that Heroic dose my mind definitely changed. I started to remember a lot of my past. My memories didn’t come back all at once and it took three sessions about a week apart from each other to fully unlock my mind. I did three heroic doses. I remember things from when I was four years old and I remembered what had happened in 2005 with my dad at the start of this journal.

That experience helped me seek help for my back. I found a chiropractic doctor who actually fixed my back and understood what was going on with my back. My back had locked up a joint in between my T-5,T-6 vertebrae. Called a joint restriction. I remember feeling the moment he unlocked my back. It didn’t occur all at once but it felt like ten years of pain magically disappeared.

Today I don’t need marijuana, shrooms or even a Ibuprofen. My mind is constantly changing and I found God. Truly an amazing experience. I feel stronger. I no longer feel like my life is over. My outlook looks brighter because of my career change. I feel like I can change things. Hopefully I can change greed. If we can solve greed, we can change a lot of minds.